Lord of the Freaks
by fanficwriterS
Summary: What if Legolas was a beauty obessed? Gimli took Ballet? Merry and Pippin are smart, yet depressed (and gay) And Aragorn was a hippie with a mission? Find out here!
1. Of Many Diffrent Household Items

Disclaimer: Currently I am tracing my family history back to see if I am related in any way to J. R. R. Tolkien. So far I am not, but I will let you know if I have found anything. Oh yes! Frodo's broom belongs to me. It is mine, mine, my own, my precious. (Embarrassed cough) * * * * * * * * It was an ordinary day in Middle Earth. Frodo was staring at a broom, caressing its handle murmuring under his breath, "Pretty Girl, yes, yes, Pretty Girl."  
Over in Mirkwood Legolas Greenleaf was frantically shaking his mascara bottle.  
"What!" He yelled out raged, "There's none left! But! But! I haven't finished using it yet!" The mascara bottle brushed his hair and made several strands come out of place. It was just at this moment when he looked into the mirror.  
"Ahhhhhh! My hair! My perfect beautiful long blond hair!" He looked at his dresser in search of a hairbrush. "My hair brush! Where is it? I must have it! My perfect hair is out of place! He ran over to his desk and frantically pulled out all of the drawers. Not finding what he was looking for he ran out of his room screaming at the top of his lungs. He ran everywhere, looking for his lost hairbrush. Finally, exhausted, he walked back to his room and collapsed onto his bed. He sprang up suddenly.  
"My hairbrush," He said solemnly. Now untroubled by thoughts of his hair he decided to turn his thoughts to other important matters; like his nails.  
Back over in Bag End, there was a knock on the door.  
"Mister Frodo," A voice called, "I have some lunch!" Frodo took a last loving look at the broom he was holding.  
"Hold on my Sam," He called running over to open the door.  
"I have brought you some lunch." Sam set the basket on the table.  
"Yes, I will make some tea to go along with it," Frodo answered grabbing some plates and setting the table.  
"Three plates?" Sam asked. "But there are only two of us."  
"That, my friend, is where you're wrong. I have found myself," Frodo slipped off into a daze, "Pretty Girl." He ran out from the kitchen and over to the fireplace where his broom (A.N: Pretty Girl) was leaned against the wall. He picked it up gently and brought it back to the kitchen.  
"This," He said proudly. "Is my Pretty Girl." He put the broom against the wall in front of one of the plates.  
But Frodo, that is a broom! That's not a girl!" Sam protested.  
"Yes it is!" Frodo picked it up and found himself lost caressing in the handle.  
Legolas looked down at his fingernails trying to figure out what color he should paint them.  
"Blue, purple, green, silver, maroon, or gold," He murmured under his breath. 


	2. Of Dancing and Luminous Objects

DIISCLAIMER: Yes, I rich, famous, and J.RR Tolkien's ghost come back to tell you what really happened in Lord of the Rings. However, for some reason people look at me strangely and put me in this uncomfortable shirt, which will not let me move my arms. I cannot figure out why though.  
  
Gimli was sweating hard. "Lift those legs higher, Mon Cherie!" called the dwarf woman. Everyone in a frilly pink tutu obeyed, or at least tried to obey. Gimli attempted to raise his a bit higher and fell. The ballet teacher sighed and cursed in French. "Let's try again next week, shall we," she said signaling the end of class. Gimli scowled and walked out of the studio. When was he ever going to achieve his dream of being a professional dwarf dancer: when?  
  
"Legolas!" King Thronduil bellowed as he flung the door open. Legolas shrieked and dropped the gold nail-polish bottle. It fell to the floor with a sickening crack. "Son, Gollum has escaped and you must go to Rivendell and buy more lemonade and ice cream," the King said seriously. Then as and after-thought he added, "You could tell Elrond that Gollum has escaped too if you want," but Legolas was not listening to his father. He was crying his eyes out. "Oh my gold nail-polish," he sobbed. "Why were you doomed to suffer such a fate, why? Now I'll never get my nails done!" Thronduil stared at his son for a moment, and then carefully snuck away.  
  
"Hey Merry," Pippin called, "do you have the plans for the bulb filled with light?" "Yes!" Merry called back as he walked down the road. "And Pippin!" I have another idea!" "What is it fellow genius?" Pippin asked as Merry caught up with him. "I suggest that instead of calling it the bulb filled with light, we should call it a light bulb." Merry said slowly. "Nah," Pippin disagreed. "No one would like that." "You're probably right, but why don't we ask Frodo and Sam?" Merry suggested. "Fine," Pippin said. "But I'll be right." "No, you won't." "Yes, I will. "No, you won't. FOUR HOURS LATER "Yes, I will." "No, you won't." "Yes, I will!"  
  
An old beaten down carriage made its way to Bag End. Then something caught the old Wizard sitting in its eye. "Shiny!" Gandalf shrieked and jumped out of the carriage. Picking it up he began to nuzzle it. "Pretty shiny bottle cap." Whistling he ran after the horse and carriage. 


	3. Of Doors and Elves

Disclaimer: Before I only owned one thing in the chapter (J.R.R. Tolkein owned the rest) I now own two things! Lairë is mine! All mine! I created her therefore she is mine! Muahahahahahahaha *laughs evily for a long time*

* * * * * * * * *

There was a knock at Bag End. Frodo looked up from his broom and Sam stopped rummaging through the cupboards looking for more food. They watched as Bilbo got up and answered the door.

"Rosie Cotton, come in lassie, come in. Sam and Frodo are in the kitchen." At these words Sam blushed and Frodo started to laugh. Rosie didn't come into the kitchen however.

"This is my friend *Lairë." They heard her say.

"Is that an elvish name?" Bilbo asked.

"Yes," They heard Lairë answer.

"It's an elf," Sam said, jumping up and down. "An elf!" The two girls walked inot the kitchen.

"Elf, Elf, Elf," he said, running over to the girls. "Elf, Elf, Elf!" Frodo looked curiously at Sam, then at Rosie and Lairë. Uninterested he turned around and picked up his broom.

"Pretty Girl," he murmured. "Pretty Girl."

* * * * * * * *

After what had seemed like forever, Merry and Pippin finally stopped arguing. They were headed to Bag End, discussing how they should market their light bulb/ bulb of light.

"I think we should make one for eveyr hobbit in the Shir," Pippin said.

"I think we should make more than one for eveyr one in the Shire," Merry answered.

"But why would we give them away for free? We should sell these bulbs of light and get something out of our hard work." Pippin winked at Merry. They were silenced as they though about how they got the bulb full of light/ light bulb.

* * * * * * * * *

There was yet again a knock on the door at Bag End. This time no one looked up from what they were doing knowing that Bilbo would answer the door. Indeed, Bilbo did answer the door and Merry and Pippin walked inside.

"Hye Frodo, Sam," Merry sadi.

"Hello Merry & Pippin," Sam returned.

"Go away!" Frodo yelled. "You are not goign to steal my Pretty Girl away form me ever!" He turned around and took his broom into the other room.

"Well, before Frodo becomes to possesive of the broom, I have to ask-" Merry held up the lightbulb. "-Should we call this a bulb of light of a lightbulb?"

* * * * * * * * *

* Summer in Quenua a Gray- Elven language.


End file.
